• Big Baseball Homerun: Change Your Life

    Big Baseball Homerun: Change Your Life

    A white baseball with red laces on green grass

    Sometimes, people play sports like big baseball homerun. When they told me about the bat sport, I thought, “NICE!”. I had always wanted to watch those little buggers zip around eating stuff. But then they told me that it was actually sticks, so I turned my attention elsewhere.

    Many years later (Eastern Standard Time) they keep talking about baseball. Baseball is a sport that people play with a bat and a ball. What is a homerun? Leave your comments down below.

    A dirty baseball on a dirt-colored surface (probably dirt)

    Are we to believe that homeruns are only for the ruling class? That the bourgeoisie alone holds the slams in their hands? Or should we strive for a new system in which anyone, regardless of background or social status, is able to ding dingers, jack goners, four-bag taters, and blast big-fly’s? As Charlie Chaplin once said (edited for baseball clarity):

    “The [baseball] that is now upon us is but the passing of [bat] – the bitterness of [umpire] who fear the way of [big ol’ baseball hit]. The hate of men will pass, and [no baseball] die, and the [homerun] they took from the people will return to the [baseball].”

    A gnome in a garden wearing a blue hat and overalls, surrounded by pink foxgloves.

    I was once a man like yourself. That is because we are the same.

    INTENSE MUSIC

    When I swing my bat, you swing the ball. As the crack of the rat-a-tat-tat ball smacks the fence, I know I have biffed.

    Did I swing too fast? Did I swing too low? Whirling and whizzing around in the small space where the ball just was, I can’t think straight. Once I stop spinning, I’m going to figure this out.

    Smurf 3ds max model” by Bob Janoski/ CC0 1.0

    In a trance, I watch as the ball soars upward towards the electric lights. It seems smaller and smaller by the second. Slowly, it starts to fall behind the bleachers. I have done the big baseball homerun. My life is changed.

    -Abraham Lincoln

  • A Weary World

    A Weary World

    They must be so strong.

    “Knees are a tricky bit of business”, thought Nathan to himself as he straightened up. His creaking joints popped into place as he reached full height, and he wiped the sweat from his face with the back of his hand. Gray, tangled hair circled his sun-scarred cheeks and caressed his chin as he turned to look at his surroundings. His eyes, green and darkened by the overcast sky, darted around nervously. He let his gaze fall back to the object on the ground before him.

    A sorrowful set of eyes gazes at the viewer, with a nice bald dome above them (he's so bald)

    It lay there, haphazardly, as if having once been alive and vibrant, its life was suddenly snatched away and it crumpled where it stood. Sleek brown dusty fur ran along its length. Age had marred it, but a face was still perceptible enfolded in the heap, with two purple shadows where eyes had been and a thin crease for a mouth. Nathan’s eyes began to water. The scent it produced was unlike anything he had ever had the misfortunate of smelling, and was equally capable in its reach, as the coughing sound behind him proved.

    “I suppose dinner is cancelled”, said the small man who walked up to the stoic Nathan. He eyed the unmoving lump. “Gee…”, he whispered through a thick mustache. “If I’d known it was this bad, I would’ve brought a sandwich”. He reached his hand behind him and pulled a folded sheet of paper from his faded overalls. “This is no good to us now”, he whined as he handed it to his partner. Nathan, unaware that there had been anything “good to him” in the first place, unfolded it and glanced at the contents. The words “Sourdough bread recipe” ran across the top, and underneath a list of instructions followed. In the section labeled “ingredients”, only one item was listed: “sourdough starter”, accompanied by its picture. He looked past the page to the potent mess on the ground. “Ours doesn’t look anything like that!” he cried.

  • Summer Goin’ This Way

    Summer Goin’ This Way

    Summer goin’ that way

    A scene at night.

    Water splashed into the sink, escaping from one set of pipes into another. The faucet, speckled with dried bits of toothpaste, pale blemishes left by droplets of water, and a few straggling facial hairs, reflected the warped, ugly face of the man leaning above. The tiniest hum of an electric bulb and the plastic peck-buzz sounds of moths filled the room. Pale yellow light shone on the yellow walls, covered by peeling floral patterns unchanged in the last half-century, and a warm, gentle breeze floated through the screens of the windows. These were the kind that operate via crank and open to the side a short ways, which most agree are superior to the vertically disposed.

    Perhaps the bathroom occupant was flossing his teeth. The mint-flavored string popped in and out of the gaps between teeth that were never straightened, leaving his woefully unprepared gums red and painful. After a few intervals, he stopped to see what meal-remnants had been recovered. Trying to recall what he had eaten that day, the tastes of cornflakes, a salted ham and cheese sandwich, and lasagna alternately returned to his memory.

    Perhaps he was trying to find some sign in the face in the mirror.

    A sign that says "good vibes only"

    He saw a sign that said “Good Vibes Only” and thought that was rather nice.

    I saw another woodchuck today.

    He ran like a wriggling worm. The tall grass of the marsh never looked so cozy.

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    Warning
  • One Million Words

    One Million Words

    Today I read one million words.

    It was difficult to get started. When one has the task of a million words set before him, he must process the sheer effort and time that will be required of him before beginning.

    I never had much interest in reading that many words.

    Before this morning, I never would have considered it. After all, my regular daily tasks (sharpening of the pens, linking of the paperclips) would be neglected. But things in the life of an upper-class country gentleman always tend to shift unexpectedly.

    My new book

    Who am I

    You may be wondering what sort of man purposes to read so grand a total of words in such little time.

    Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

    Pride and Prejudice is a book about love. Love can take many forms. There is aguave love, the type that you feel for your pet goldfish. Then there’s avocado love, which is the love you feel for fresh avocados.


  • Apocalypse

    Apocalypse

    The second day begins.

    The big zombie knocked again. We all were so scared. She was the CFO of a large summer camp and every time she came to visit the office, it made us scared. I turned to the left. The zombie whiteboard started to speak, and it said: “Please do not erase”.

    Please

    do not eras’e.

    erase

    The apocalypse changed us all in different ways. Some adopted new names to reflect a new identity. My name, formally “Hot Gus”, became “Gus”. It took one look at me to know that I was no longer hot. That part of me was left behind. My left arm was left behind in the belly of the big zombie.

    The new big documentary.

    Some photographers walked in past the big zombie and asked if they could record the office for a documentary. It seemed like they should probably record the zombie apocalypse instead, but big zombie tends to get what she wants. I found the strength within myself to comply. As the crew set up, I considered whether or not I should have taken up a more photogenic career, such as open-sea fishing.

    The apocalypse is almost over

    I get to go home soon